One-Eye'd Dick

One-Eye'd Dick

"Speaks Softly, Carries Big Stick"

More articles by One-Eye'd Dick...

January 09, 2008 - On The Beauty of Friendship & the Pain of Throat Lesions

Hey come on now! What does a guy have to do to get a little attention around here! No TV exposure in weeks is making me feel like some sort of walk-on, a bench-warmer, an Italian with a bad face job shilling pizza so bland it makes his ancestors spin in their graves -- right next to my great friend Jimmy Valvano's ancestors spinning in their graves too! It's true! Our ancestors, they're right there together, spinning in those Italian graves over my never-ending references to my friendship with the one-and-only V during his last years -- years I was so honored to be such a great help to the whole family! I was!

If I coulda gone back and studied science to save him, you know I would've! But hey, in medicine, I'm no a diaper dandy! Give me a break! I only have one good eye and I'm bald! Like a cucumber, as my buddy Mike Patrick used to say! Before he got relegated to the B Team, that is! Still, I was right there with Jimmy V, the great V himself, the whole time! You know what my last words to my buddy were!? I leaned over to him as he turned a plate away and I said, quietly for just the two of us to hear: Mama mia, could my grandmother cook a marinara!

Speaking of great compadres, I keep phoning Coach K and asking if maybe Johnny Dawkins could give me a little plug, throw just a small bone my way during the half-time chats with Doris, so that my name and memory, like that of my super pal Jimmy V, will not be forgotten! But I never hear a word back! Come on, Mike Baby, it's me! One-Eyed Dick! You have our picture together on your website citing proof that you do indeed have friends! Don't leave me out here in the cold, dark, universe that sets in just at the outskirts of Durham and grows soulless and quiet as Route 15-501 stretches toward Chapel Hill!

Which reminds me of another thing! No more jokes about how I got lesions on my throat! I'm serious! Coach K lives a clean life! He's an American hero for god's sake! And in this media-soaked age, we'd know if he'd been engaged in the sort of activities that would lead to lesions on my throat! I'm pretty sure we would! I get so tired of having to defend him, I really do, but if the New York Times and ESPN and the Duke PR machine and the NCAA Tournament Selection Committee can't do it alone, I'll do my part baby! You can count on the old One-Eyed Monster for that, I promise you!

Wow, my hand has cramped up! Let me stop thinking about Duke for a while and get back to you in a week with my next installment!!!

    * The CHG takes no responsibility for One-Eye'd Dick content, we merely print what he sends, as according to licensing agreements.


    I feel sorry for whoever wrote this and for UNC fans in general. The reason Vitale loves Duke is because objective observers recognize quality when they see it. Of course he gets excited, Duke is a great product. The best.

    How sad that Coach K puts Vitale's picture on his website. How much sadder that Vitale is cheap enough to be bought with that kind of trinket. Doesn't he also get to sit in the Duke team's sauna after each game?

    Dick Vitale loves Carolina basketball; I don't understand why you'd post this it's in bad taste and if I were Italian I'd be offended.

    Hey Dick, you left your *&#@%* lubricant over here again. I swear next time you pull this *&%$, I'm going to kick your everlovin' &*# from here to next week. You think I'm kidding, why don't you give ol' Mitt Rommney a call. You think its a %$&**[email protected] coincidence he's out of the race and McCain's back on top. Think again Dicky.

    Grazie William for a'sticking up fora me and mya brothers froma the Italy. Weya very offended bya this article and will be complaining againsta the internet police for this a'terrible thing One Eye'd Dick a'wrote.


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